My life is constantly changing. I never know from month to month where I will be. I go where God is calling me. I wait until I hear God speak to me and then I go. I feel like I am crazy at times and never know where I will end up.

I moved to Colorado in January. I felt God calling me to this place. I moved and struggled. I learned a whole lot at the same time. I wish I could explain what I learned, but I am still in the processing stage. God is truly preparing me for something great in my life.  I just wish I knew what this great thing is.

I left Colorado right before Memorial Day weekend to go to World Race training camp. I felt God ask me to do this in a step of faith. Sometimes we may never know where our steps of faith will take us. I walk in faith more times than I realize. When I was at World Race training camp, I found out that I was not going back to Colorado . What?? A place where I felt God calling me, a place I was getting comfortable with, a place that I just plain wanted to stay in for at least a year. God what are you doing. I was frustrated and annoyed at the same time.   

After World Race training camp, I ended up leading a one week trip in New Orleans with AIM. I did this mainly because I wanted to see some friends in New Orleans , but I knew that God would show me things in that week to help guide me. I kept praying to God asking for answers. I went through the week and learned way more than I thought I was going to. The thing is, I never got a true answer.

The next stop on my trip was my home in South Dakota . I went to a place that I call my constant. It is in Sioux Falls and is called Falls Park . I know that no matter where I go, where I end up, or what I do that this place will always be there for me when I get home. I just sat there in front of the falls for half an hour asking God, ‘where am I going to next.' I was in awe of the way the park had changed since I was a child and I went through my memories of my family and thought about how spread out we are. I love that fact that no matter where I end up in life, I can go back to this one place that has always been apart of my life and just see God in great ways. 

God still has not shown me where I need to go.  I have a feeling it may be in the southeast corner of the states, but am even unsure of this.  I am looking.  I just know that my greatest desire at this moment in time is to get a job teaching high school mathematics and help out in missions. I know that when I get my job, God will be in it completely and I just need to sit and wait.

Today was a day that my heart cried out to Cambodia and Guatemala. Upon returning from The World Race, I have had many days where my heart cries out for a certain country. Lately it has been Cambodia. In Cambodia, God gave me a place that I called my utopia. It was a preschool that was run by the organization we were with. All I had to do was go to preschool every morning and play with children it was great.

Guatemala was my second to last country and my 10^th month. I had seen the rest of the world, but my heart was broken by the hospital we helped at. I fell in love with Rafina and my true love for helping other people by putting joy in their lives by being silly started. God showed me that He loves us all, just in different ways. We need to be available to just say hi and give a smile.

When I started the world race last September, I said to my teammates many times, "This is awkward." It even got to a point that Sarah commented that I had a lot of awkward situations. As the year progressed, I became less and less awkward and more and more sure of myself.

I have been home for a little over a month. This time for me is defined by understanding who I am and who I am not. I have done a lot of things I would have not done before the race. I got to spend three weeks with my parents and did practically everything with them. I will now mention that I am in South Dakota and I love it here. I am realizing that it is very laid back and relaxing. It is just what I have needed since getting home. I have given talks to churches and groups. I have played bingo with my grandparents because my mom and I showed up at the wrong time at the nursing home. I have seen friends and will continue to meet with my friends this fall. I have visited some elderly people because sometimes they need someone to just talk to. I have met new friends by going to random barbeques (Something I definitely would not have gone to before the race). I have gone to many different churches trying to decide which one would be a fit for me and decided to go to a church in Bruce, SD to help them out since they helped me out. I have had great walks with my mom talking about where I am going and her helping me to understand my life. I have spoiled my nieces that I love to death. I have moved in with my sister and brother-in-law to help them with the housework and the girls. The last and most important thing is that I have been listening to God's direction in my life.  I am starting to understand who God made me to be and walk in it. 

The one thing I know for certain in my life at this point is that I will be in the mission field in some form within 5 years. What I will do in between times I do not know, I do not think I want to know. I know that 5 years ago I was in Wichita, Kansas. If I would have know all that I would have gone through in the following years, I would have ran, ran fast in the opposite direction. I would be in total shock to see where I was going to go to. All I know is that my greatest desire is to live in poor countries or communities and empower the people to build up their own community. I do not want to be the missionary that goes to a country or a place and does everything. I want to show the people what things they need to do in order to improve their own living. I will give the tools in the places I visit for the people to succeed.

This brings me to my life now. I am living with my sister(Maria), her husband(Lyle), her two children(Harriet and Grace), and a friend(Kortney). I get to help clean the house and take care of the two beautiful girls. I am working temporary jobs in the community. I registered with a temporary agency that will place me when the jobs come available. I will do substitute teaching when it comes available. I do have a full time job that starts around November 9. I will teach high school math at a local high school from whenever the baby comes until Christmas break. 

I have decided I want to understand things I do not fully understand right now. I want to understand the things that I have not been taught growing up in a church. I want to be in a community that will help me to grow in my faith and challenge me in things I truly do not understand. I want to struggle through things in order to change more than I have already. In order to do this, I am moving to Colorado in January. It took me a while to decide, but I know this is where God has called me. I wish I could look down the road in 5 years and see why I need to move to Colorado, but then I do not really want to. I just want to be used by God and truly understand things before I go into full time missions in another country. 

The time at home has been strange. When I tell people what I have done, they stare at me in awe.  They say you did something amazing. I do not feel this way. I may have done something that was amazing to others, but the main thing I did was follow God's will for my life. I did change this year. My awkward moments have dwindled considerably. I have more confidence in myself than I have before in my life. I know what I want and I will do anything to achieve that goal. The only thing I want to do is follow God's will and seek him fully everyday.

We took a ferry ride to the island and someone told us of a great hotel to stay at. It was actually a hotel/diving school. Right away people asked if we wanted to get certified to dive. In my head, I was thinking, no way would I ever want to do that. It is a waste of money. We went out to eat and told our waitress what we were thinking of doing and she told our hotel.

The next morning, I woke up with the intention of doing nothing. I went for a quick swim and was in the middle of my quiet time when I got interrupted. Colleen and Sarah had come back from their run and a guy, Dave, walked up asking if any of us wanted to take part in the scuba class. It was supposed to be a three day course and he said we could do it in two days. I all of a sudden felt like I should do it. I had no idea why. I knew that Colleen was thinking about it and so I told her that if she took the class, I would too. This is my rash decision of the week. Colleen contemplated it and said, why not. So we met up with Dave in a scuba classroom. I was not super excited, but I knew that it would help having Colleen by my side.

We had about an hour of classroom time and then straight to the water. I will tell you now if you ever want to get scuba certified, the first time underwater may scare you to death. As we were going down, I could not figure out how to pop my ears, you can't yawn because you have a mask on for breathing oxygen. I panicked. I could not figure out what to do. I started swallowing salt water, about 2 cups full and ended up on the surface, coughing up a storm. Thankfully Dave came up with me and told me it was going to be okay. I think I would have given up right there if he had not decided to come and encourage me to go back down. I went back down and the rest of the time underwater went very well. I was able to do all of the requirements.

Once we got done with the first part, we were told that we were going to go to open water in a half an hour. I was shocked. I had not eaten anything or drank any water all day. I got ready and went with nothing in my stomach. We got out to the open water and the first dive went great. I enjoyed my time and started to like it. I was not a hundred percent hooked yet. Although when we got to the surface, we were a long ways from the boat. We had to drift in very choppy waters for about five minutes. It was exhausting and by the time I got back to the boat, I was not sure I wanted to scuba dive again. As I got on the boat, I felt fine. The thing is, we had a ride and then stopped for another dive. I was starting to feel nauseous at this point. I did not want to dive anymore. I decided to go to the end of the boat because I was almost a hundred percent sure that I was going to throw up. Colleen came and sat next to me to make sure I was all right. I did throw up about 3 times and I knew I still had to dive. As I was crying and saying I did not want to dive, Dave came up and rubbed my back and told me that it would be much better underwater. I told him I did not want to go. The time came that everyone got in the water. My scuba gear was thrown on me and I was pretty much thrown into the water. I did not like this, but I knew I needed to get some more skills out of the way. I got the skills down and went immediately to the surface. I sat on the boat getting more sick. Eventually we made it back to land. That night, I was wondering if it was truly worthwhile to get scuba certified. I concluded that the class was half way over and it could hopefully only get better.

The next morning I did feel better, but I still was unsure of the scuba diving. The water was calm and I enjoyed our 2 dives in the water. I decided that I could handle scuba diving. The afternoon brought 2 fun dives and then I was hooked. I cannot see much underwater because of my glasses, but it was so much fun to be able to just be there and see the little bit I did. I do not regret my decision and I cannot wait until I can go again with prescription goggles.

As I reflect on my scuba experience, I think of my year. I have had some rough times. I just knew that in the middle of hating or just struggling through something that if I just persevered, plug right on, God would show me what he wanted to teach me. I would be so thankful that I stuck it out and made it through. I look back at the year and I am glad I did not give up during the times I was struggling. I am a much better person because I persevered.

The other thought I had while getting sick on the boat is how much God has blessed me this year with my health. I had not gotten sick all year until my last week in ministry. I really did not enjoy the sickness, but I praise God that he has kept me healthy all year long.

When we arrived in Guatemala, we were taken to a house to stay for a few nights.  We were then taken to Antigua where our ministry was going to take place to see the ministry and find a hostel to stay at.  The first place we visited was the hospital. I knew right away that this would be my most challenging ministry location.  I get uncomfortable around disabled people in general and even more around children.  I started to pray right away for God to take away my fears and change my heart for the children.  Little did I know that this would be one of my better moments on the race.

My group (Lindsey, Colleen, Sarah, Krystle, Traci, and Kari) were told to get to know only a few children. I was wondering how that would work. We were told that there were so many children that every child would be disappointed when you leave instead of just one.  I went in just praying for God to change my heart for the place.

We finally got a tour on Tuesday morning.  We found out that we would not work with the children, but would work in the teenage women’s ward.  The wards are not necessarily for what they say. The children’s ward is for the smallest of the disabled people.  Some of the residents in the children’s ward can be in their 20´s.  I was so excited to hear about the location change. When I had heard about the women’s ward originally, I wanted to work in that place.  I have learned on the race, you work where the ministry needs the most help.  

As soon as I walked in to the women’s ward, I knew that it was where I needed to be.  I found a lady, Rafina, to be my friend for the week.  I spoke no Spanish, but was able to point at myself and say ‘Jackie’.  She said it back. I was so excited. The first day, I also hung out with the other women. The thing is, every time that I walked by Rafina, she would say Jackie and I would go and just stand by her. We were immediate amigos. 

I got really excited to go to the hospital. Every time I was there, I took Rafina out to cruise the hallways. She really enjoyed this time. It meant time away from the ward to be able to see other people. She would say ‘hola’ to passerbyers and just smile. She smiled more when she was cruising the hallways than when she was in the ward.   We were told earlier that we could take the women out to the park.  I knew that I wanted to do this with Rafina.

I finally got my chance on Sunday.  We had to get a visitors badge to be able to take the women out and we never got them until Friday because of miscommunication.  I was told on Saturday to get the paperwork done or I would not be able to take Rafina out the next day.  I got it all done.

When I arrived on Sunday, Rafina was no where to be found.  I visited with some of the other women in the ward and got to play a pointing game with one and a clapping game with another.  I was truly enjoying myself since I was the only volunteer and could say hi to very person.  Finally Rafina arrived. She was in a beautiful yellow dress for her trip to the park. The nurses made sure that she looked great to go out.  I had to wait for Krystle since I did not feel safe taking her out on my own. They were playing music, so I sort of danced for the ladies while waiting.  I believe I made most people on the ward smile.

Once Krystle arrived, we were off.  We took our two block walk to the park.  We found an ice cream man and were able to buy some ice cream to feed Rafina.  She ate the ice cream so fast, it must have tasted great.  When she was finished with the ice cream, she asked for some aqua, so I went and bought a bottle for her.  We then continued to push her around the park. We were out for an hour and a half.  I believe that Rafina smiled the whole time.  It was the best day I had so far in Antigua.  

I will definitely miss Rafina when I leave. I do not think I can ever forget her.  She always smiles when I come into the ward and says my name.  She looks forward to my visit. I am amazed at how God has changed my view of the ministry here.  It has been one of my best experiences and I smile every time I get to go to the hospital.

Side note: We will stay at a local missionary’s house for a few days and go to a lake in Guatemala. We plan to leave on Sunday for Honduras for our last ministry location.

 I had one of the experience of is this really happening to me.  It happened on the last day we were in Arriajan.  Every time my team leaves a place, we are faced with the dilema to try and find a laundry mat.  I personally do not like to travel with smelly clothes and so I make sure that this happens.

I had decided that the day to clean clothes would be on Monday.  I told the team and asked them to have their clothes ready to go to the laundry mat in the morning.  Lindsey was going to go with me, but had to babysit Mateo at the last minute. Mateo´s brother was sick and had to go to the doctor. The parents did not want to take young Mateo with them. I told her that I would head to the laundry mat and she could join me when Mateo had left.  

I headed out for the laundry mat at 9:00am. The laundrey mat was only a 10 minute walk away and I knew I could handle walking that far with laundry for 6 people.  I had Colleen´s large laundry bag with most of the laundry in it, Lindsey´s shopping bags, my bag of laudry, the soap, and my backpack. I carried Colleen´s bag on my back like Santa Claus and had both hands full with the rest of the laundry.  I made it to the laundry mat with only a few stares.  

Upon arriving at the laundry mat, I had a dilema.  The washers were all full and I wasn´t sure if the dryer would work.  It was unplugged at the time. I decided to wait anyways to at least wash the clothes.  I would figure out the drying when the time came. I was waiting and all of a sudden one of the ladies pointed to me and pointed to the washer to tell me that it was free for me to use.  She was making sure that we got to do our laudry in the order that we arrived.  I got my three loads of laundry started. I then started to contemplate how I would dry the clothes.  Should I plug in the dryer or go to another place?  

My questions about the dryer were eventually answered. All of a sudden, a repair truck pulled up and two men appeared.  The owner appeared and one of the repairmen was getting mad at him from what I could tell.  The whole conversation was in Spanish, but there were plenty of gestures to help me understand what was going on.  It was interesting to see everyone in the laudry mat watch this discussion.

The men were there to repair the dryer.  I was so excited because my clothes were almost done in the washer.  I had to remove my clothes when they were done because of the line.  I first filled up my bag because it was a water proof one, then Lindsey´s shopping bags.  I was then unsure of what to do. Colleen´s laudry bag is mesh and I couldn´t put the clothes in it.  All of a sudden someone in broken English asked if I wanted her gigantic garbage bag to put my clothes in.  God was definitely looking out for me because all of the rest of the clothes fit in the bag. I removed all of the clothes from the washers and sat waiting.  The repairmen spoke English and they told me that they were unsure if they could fix the dryer.  The only reason I was staying at this point was for the hope of a fixed dryer.  I was able to watch an entire dryer be taken apart and put back together.  The is something everyone should see at least once in their life.  

Finally, I got frustrated and left.  I figured that the dryer was never going to get fixed.  I was told by the lady who gave me the garbage bag to call a taxi.  I thought I could handle the walk home. I put the garbage bag on my back Santa Claus style.  I was holding the grocery sacks, which broke immediately from the weight of the wet clothing.  I had the laundrey soap and my laundry in my hands. I got more stares than before. I even got a honk from every person that drove by me on the way home.  I had to stop every 100 yards because the laundry was so very heavy.  I looked like a lunitic and I wish I had a picture of this expedition of mine. It surely would look funny because it is not everyday that you see a white lady walk down a street with a bag of laundry in a black garbage bag on her back in a Latin America country.  I eventually got home. The last 100 yards were the worst for me. It was straight downhill and the weight of the laundry made the momentum of going down hill very hard.  I kept falling forward. The whole time I was carrying the laundry, I was laughing at myself and thinking, ´I must look crazy and I would never do this at home´.  

When I got back, I found out that Mateo was still there.  I told Lindsey that it was a crazy experience and we needed to ask for a ride to another laundry mat when Mateo´s parents showed up.  I then got a break of 30 minutes.

Lindsey and I were dropped off at a laundry mat.  This one had one dryer. Some countries think that one dryer to thirteen washers is a very good deal.  It makes the laundry experience even harder, especially when the dryer is not working. 

The second laundry mat had an arcade.  It was loud and I was thinking where am I at.  I eventually had to get change to finish drying and the guy tried to tell me something in Spanish.  I just ran back to the dryer and sat by it.

It was a crazy day of getting laundry done.  I did get all of the clothes washed and dryed.  I will have to say it may be a long time before I have that kind of experience in washing again.

When I came to Panama for set up, I left discouraged. It was a tough week because I did not feel welcome in the place we were staying. God worked through me in that week by giving me peace that I needed to finish strong. God showed me things that made me understand that God will show me things in His own time and not mine. God changed my opinion of Panama this time. The time we stayed in a house and were truly welcomed. The family loved being around us and talking to us. I felt like I had lived there my whole life even though it was only a few days. I am going to leave wishing I had more time to just spend with our family.

I am now reaching a point of new struggling. I only have a little over a month left. I am thinking of my futrue. This is normal, but I wish I could focus completely on what I am what I am doing now. God has shown me a great plan for after the race. I am going to live with my sister in South Dakota and help take care of my two nieces. I have great peace about this part of my life. The thing I am starting to think of is at thing called a job. I am going to have to find a job and I am stuggling with thinking about this. I will not teach, but I will get a job in another profession. The job is to help with my student loans. I am just asking God to help me focus completely on him now and not what is to come. Help me Lord to trust you fully with Your plans for my life in the next year.